When it comes to my life sometimes a day that seems completely “normal” can flip without warning.  One minute I am in an everyday conversation and then the smallest of things happens and in that instant my heart is ripped into, unsure weather or not I am suppose to smile or completely break inside. Sometimes I have no choice but to do both.

A friend of mine was talking to me on yahoo and send one of the audible things .. I have had them disabled for so long that it took me by surprise. In mind I was thrown back to a time when it seemed that every morning I woke up to those things because that is how Noah talked to people. A couple of my friends, I remember how often I use to apologize to them for it. Trying to explain but rarely did anyone complain they all adored him. Looking back now if I had one more morning of waking up to that. I wouldn’t apologize, I would probably join him and giggle and laugh.

It seem to happen all the time, some of the simplest things send memories racing through my mind. It isn’t as if I don’t wake up every morning remembering and every night fall asleep remembering. It’s just different when very vivid memories are forced into my head. Over the last 2 and half years I have built a filter of sorts.. remembering them but not specific things. Like Mary and how much of an Artist she was. Drawing pictures every day or painting pictures with me. Always so creative and always so eager to share. I guess it’s fair to say the Artist side of her came from me.  Like me from day one she seen the world differently the entire world to her was a masterpiece a piece of paper and a crayon was her playground.

Memories of Noah sitting in a fish tank.. explaining to me why fish needed to be petted to, or trying to make me understand why we needed to stop and take the time to save a bee stuck in a spider web. Bugs were is favorite he could sit for hours playing with bugs and moving them around. He loved music and singing and dancing, you could see it in his eyes the way they would light up and sparkle when his favorite song came on. He was a flirt always batting his eyes at all the pretty girls, Even planning a date for his first girlfriend, who also happened to be his therapy tech, even as young as he was he planned o so carefully for Ginga.

Bethany was the baby, content to just cuddle or lay on my shoulder for hours and watching the world with curiosity but not afraid to tell her brothers and sister to behave she may have been the youngest but she had a little mommy attitude in her. She loved to learn though she was ready to absorb everything.. playing with her states puzzle was a favorite for a long time. she was determined to learn them all. She was the kind that you just knew was going to be a gentle soul in this world.

Or Noah and how he loved cars, always telling me he was going to drive the red car (Dale Earnhardt Jr.s car) when he grew up and no matter where we went he always had one of his matchbox cars in hand.

Mary wanted to be a cowgirl.. like mommy. She was gonna be a rodeo queen!

So many details.. I cling to them even through the tears, It’s a slow process and sometimes I think I am never going to heal, The pain is often unbearable forcing me to turn off all thought, all emotion. Some days I allow myself to face it I spend hours crying wishing I could tell them so much wishing they could hear me say one more time that I love them I love them so much that I think of them and miss them so very much I would give anything to hug them one more time.