I dreamed of Noah last night/this morning. It’s amazing how real those dreams always feel to me. I wake up with such conflicting emotions. Happiness that I seen him there in my mind. We played and we laughed and he hugged me. It was bliss. In my dreams I can always feel him and even in my dreams I never want to let him go. Waking up from them is harsh, I don’t want to because all to soon that blissfully feeling fades and I am reminded.. It wasn’t real.

I did phone the social worker who handled his adoption a couple months ago.  I asked her for a recent photo, the adoptive parents sent one last year when I asked. I was hopeful they would this go around but I have yet to hear back. Truth be told it makes me angry.. Do they really think it is fair to hide the son I raised for 9 years away from me..  But, then I have to remember that they love him to and maybe they are feeling some of what I feel.. maybe they don’t think it’s fair I take their future with him.

I long for the day I may see him again. I want to be able to tell him my side of things. I want to be able to tell him I have loved him with my entire soul from the moment he arrived in this world. I want to tell him all the funny stories and memories I have of us together. I just want my heart to be whole again. Right now in my life that does not even seem possible. How can I ever end the emptiness inside when so much is missing. My heart is in pieces.. spread across the universe now. Every day I wake up and wonder how I can handle missing my babies again today.

The loss of Amara is a pain of it’s own. Reality no mother should face and it kills me and then in the other hand the sadness that 3 others are out there in this world, walking, talking, laughing, playing, growing and I wont be apart of any of it… I wish it had all gone differently..

Wherever you are my little No-No, you are loved and missed so greatly!

 

When it comes to my life sometimes a day that seems completely “normal” can flip without warning.  One minute I am in an everyday conversation and then the smallest of things happens and in that instant my heart is ripped into, unsure weather or not I am suppose to smile or completely break inside. Sometimes I have no choice but to do both.

A friend of mine was talking to me on yahoo and send one of the audible things .. I have had them disabled for so long that it took me by surprise. In mind I was thrown back to a time when it seemed that every morning I woke up to those things because that is how Noah talked to people. A couple of my friends, I remember how often I use to apologize to them for it. Trying to explain but rarely did anyone complain they all adored him. Looking back now if I had one more morning of waking up to that. I wouldn’t apologize, I would probably join him and giggle and laugh.

It seem to happen all the time, some of the simplest things send memories racing through my mind. It isn’t as if I don’t wake up every morning remembering and every night fall asleep remembering. It’s just different when very vivid memories are forced into my head. Over the last 2 and half years I have built a filter of sorts.. remembering them but not specific things. Like Mary and how much of an Artist she was. Drawing pictures every day or painting pictures with me. Always so creative and always so eager to share. I guess it’s fair to say the Artist side of her came from me.  Like me from day one she seen the world differently the entire world to her was a masterpiece a piece of paper and a crayon was her playground.

Memories of Noah sitting in a fish tank.. explaining to me why fish needed to be petted to, or trying to make me understand why we needed to stop and take the time to save a bee stuck in a spider web. Bugs were is favorite he could sit for hours playing with bugs and moving them around. He loved music and singing and dancing, you could see it in his eyes the way they would light up and sparkle when his favorite song came on. He was a flirt always batting his eyes at all the pretty girls, Even planning a date for his first girlfriend, who also happened to be his therapy tech, even as young as he was he planned o so carefully for Ginga.

Bethany was the baby, content to just cuddle or lay on my shoulder for hours and watching the world with curiosity but not afraid to tell her brothers and sister to behave she may have been the youngest but she had a little mommy attitude in her. She loved to learn though she was ready to absorb everything.. playing with her states puzzle was a favorite for a long time. she was determined to learn them all. She was the kind that you just knew was going to be a gentle soul in this world.

Or Noah and how he loved cars, always telling me he was going to drive the red car (Dale Earnhardt Jr.s car) when he grew up and no matter where we went he always had one of his matchbox cars in hand.

Mary wanted to be a cowgirl.. like mommy. She was gonna be a rodeo queen!

So many details.. I cling to them even through the tears, It’s a slow process and sometimes I think I am never going to heal, The pain is often unbearable forcing me to turn off all thought, all emotion. Some days I allow myself to face it I spend hours crying wishing I could tell them so much wishing they could hear me say one more time that I love them I love them so much that I think of them and miss them so very much I would give anything to hug them one more time.

Mothers Day 2011 –

I really had to wait to write this out, I considered writing yesterday but I knew if I did, this post would have been filled with every thought that went through my head and that may have been bad.

This is the 2nd Mothers day I have been with out Mary, Noah and Beth. I have to be honest and say that I believe this was way harder then my first Mothers Day with out them. To be honest I don’t even really remember a lot of that day. I do remember Jessie was with me and that helped me so much. Yesterday was all different and I am sure that me speaking to my ex husband the other day intensified every bad thought, and every other emotion.

Trust me I know how easy it is to say, “Just don’t talk to him.” but the thing is, he still has Mary and as much as I despise the man and all that he represents, my love for my child drives me to keep trying. Keep reaching out and opening a door, in hopes that one day Mary will know I never stopped trying. That brings me to the conversation…

I messaged him on Facebook and asked him if I could please talk to Mary on Mothers day after all is has been months, it was less then 3 minutes after I sent the message that my phone rang.. I gotta admit I was hopeful that I would hear Mary’s sweet voice on the other end. No such luck it was him. All he said at first was that Mary wasn’t able to talk.. I didn’t have a response other then tears. He asked if I was still there and I said yes but not sure what I am suppose to say, He then preceeded to tell me that since Mary and I last spoke in Nov. That she has spiraled out of control. That she sneaked on to the computer on her own logged into his account while at the babysitters. When she got caught she flipped out and apparently since then she’s been in Juvenile Detention four times.. yup juvenile, and in and out of hospitals. Apparently according to him, this is all my fault!. I said to him, yeah Nov, when she told me that you tell her I never cared about her, I only cared about myself? He said that wasn’t what he said, what he told her was ” She had to think of herself, and do it for herself and take care of herself”.. Well pardon me if I am wrong but isn’t that the same damn thing, just sugar coated? I told him that was not the truth! I did none of this for me, to which he just kept repeating “yes you did” every time I said that isn’t the case. He also told me that “Mary hates you, I mean it’s a love hate relationship she loves you but, she hates you. You left her” … Now in some tiny fragment that may be true. That I left. I NEVER left HER, I have been here since the day I said good-bye. I have been in talk with Social workers to always check in on Noah and Beth, I always try to stay in contact with Ryan, for Mary. I even sent him my phone number in case he ever decided to … you know, have a heart? But I left her?

Yes I made the decision, a very difficult thing to do and I can still tell you that months and months of thought and consideration of what was best for my babies went into that decision. It is also one that I hope no parent should be [forced]  to make. I asked him if he had seen Noah or Bethany, I was actually going to tell him I could send him a picture of Noah, before he started tell me I should have stayed I should have fought harder.. All I  could say to that was fight what? I fought everything for 2yrs.. The only thing I wasn’t willing to do was go back to him. Why would I want to go back to him? He had 10 damn years and now he wants to fake this perfect image of a father? What nerve does he have, it’s as if he forgets I lived that shit. Though I am in no way perfect  I made mistakes but not the ones he did.  He ended up hanging up on me. I wanted to yell at him remind him of every horrible day I spent with him that they spent with him, I wanted to ask him why he is the one baring her from speaking to me, why he is the one who refuses to even let her say hi, and yet her juvenile and hospitals are my fault. To that I ask again.. How many times did she need all that when I was there?

He instantly took me from being hopeful that maybe he would have a heart, to feeling useless, insignificate and like the worst human to be born on this earth, he made me want to harm myself , he made me want to end it all and give up. He made me feel like every bad horrible thing he had said about me was true.

That is how I spent the day before and the day of Mothers day, feeling like I just needed to disappear, I skipped all the usual festivities, parties, bbq’s , going out to dinner and the such. I stayed home in solitude on a constant merry go round of trying to remind myself why I had to keep going, I had to keep reminding myself why I couldnt lay down and give up, and with every thought of , I can do this, there was a mental image or feeling or urge to just … go away, fade away and admit that, I wasn’t strong enough for this. I wanted no one to say those words to me “Happy Mothers Day” HA! what’s so happy about it? With every text, or message my anger grew more fierce, to where I felt the need to keep moving not sit still, if I sat still it took all my energy not to get up and do something, something I knew I couldn’t or shouldn’t. Eric asking me to relax, just lay down next to him and relax, even telling me that I could put my arm around him if I just relax, I don’t know if he felt it or what but I did avoid touch for the most part, Knowing that the instant I touched him I would completely fall apart, That’s the way it is with him the moment we touch .. every wall falls apart, then I had to get back up, unload the dish washer and my anger just had me cussing everything .. I finally did calm down, a little but I still spend all day walking these floors battling every demon, at times wanting to just ask someone anyone to remind me why I am living this.. Remind me why it isn’t ok to just give up..

But.. I survived it, I fell apart non-stop, I would just be standing there and suddenly I can’t stop the tears,  I walk out side on a beautiful day and think, they should be here, they should be running and playing, they were here, they did use to.. but now.. only silence and long and a missing and an emptiness that will never fade.