(This was a saved draft. I am not sure when it was originally written. Sometime before 2014.)

I always seem to find myself here late at night, pouring out all my deepest thoughts to some screen that has no ability to butt in or tell me whats best, just a screen the allows me the freedom to release all the thoughts that seem to get locked inside me with no where to go.

The last two weeks have been … a blur? Maybe that is the best way to put it. I got the call around 10pm on the 22nd, Sis just said “mom’s in the hospital, she tried to kill herself and they took her in the ambulance.” I didn’t even know what to think it was almost as if my mind sorta went blank for an instant.. Hadn’t I just gone through the fear of the man I love trying to do this? And why? I knew she had been under stress from talking to one of my aunts, but for whatever reason I guess I didn’t see how bad it was getting. I still don’t know the answer as to why I didn’t see it was leading down that path but I wish I had. I immediately called the hospital, one good thing about having a grand mother who worked there for 20 plus years.. you never forget the number lol.  What they told me I was not prepared for, Mom was on a ventilator not breathing on her own.. I know mom has had her troubles in the past and she has worked so very had the last few years to make things right and to be a better person and she has made me so proud of how far she has come and yet here I was being told that she was on a ventilator and they didn’t really know when she would wake up.

Hearing something like that will instantly send you into a state of  “I must be dreaming..” I got a ride down the next morning and seeing my mother laying there hooked up to this machine. There are just no words to describe how that feels all I do know is I felt totally helpless, there was nothing I could do but talk to her, everything I had never said flooded my mind and I prayed that she knew that she was my world through all the ups and downs, good and bad she has been a huge part of my life she helped me become the person I am today weather she knows it or not.. When people say that I am strong, I know that, that comes from my mother.. She is a fighter and always has been, even in her weakest moments and days her spirit has never stopped fighting and I have never lost sight of that and it is why I never gave up on her.

For more then 48 hours I seen mom lay there, opening her eyes here and there to look right at me and I could see the fear in her eyes I knew she wasn’t really sure where she was or why.. She slowly began holding her eyes open longer and nodding at me she sure was feisty about getting that tube out though lol. When she was fully awake and the tube was gone.. She didn’t remember why she was there so I had to tell her..  Even in having to explain that all I could think was thank you god for not taking her just yet.

Some people may read about my past, they may have been there as I lived it, I have many ask me how I can be ok with things I lived.. I can never quiet give a direct reason that ever makes sense to anyone, but I think it is my ability to love and forgive because I know all to well that I would want others to forgive me my mistakes.. in all I have lived through as I grew older I knew one thing for sure.. no matter what my mother loved me, even if sometimes she did’t understand how to show it, I could list you a million nightmares I lived but instead I choose to live and remember and hold dear all the good.. The laughter that the woman has brought to my life has been unmeasurable no one can make you laugh like my mother can, I can tell you that I can’t remember a single night that I went to bed hungry even if it meant she had to ask the neighbors for food. I can’t remember a single night that I went to sleep and my mother wasn’t in the house with me and their when I woke up in the morning.  Or a single time that my mother wouldn’t gladly jump on anyone who dared harm or cross her family. She would defend the innocent in what ever way she could.  When I think about the good my mother has brought to my life the bad times and memories no longer mean anything to me they are simply events that made me the woman I am today, and I have to say I like who I am I know that my heart is good and I thank my mother for that.

I have learned in my life people will always make mistakes.. we are human and it’s unavoidable life hands people their own afflictions to over come but it is what is in their hearts that matter and if their heart is good forgiveness comes easily.. loving them is even easier.

Later today, Mom will get on a bus and she will be heading to North Carolina to live with my brother. My heart is both over joyed and broken. Not broken because I do not want her to go just sad that she will be further now. Sad that I will miss the start of a new life for her. I want nothing more than mom to find true happiness to see their is a life outside what she has lived the last 20 plus years. There is peace for her and I want her to find it, if anyone deserves it she does.  I hope her and my brother are able to repair their bond as it should be, goodness knows it is long over due. I want him to see all the beauty that she is I want him to come to understand what I have known all along that we only have one mother and we are pretty lucky to have gotten her.

There is more I had planned to say but my mind just hasn’t organized it into clear thought just yet.

For now I will say good night, I love you mommy.. You are my heart.

I dreamed of Noah last night/this morning. It’s amazing how real those dreams always feel to me. I wake up with such conflicting emotions. Happiness that I seen him there in my mind. We played and we laughed and he hugged me. It was bliss. In my dreams I can always feel him and even in my dreams I never want to let him go. Waking up from them is harsh, I don’t want to because all to soon that blissfully feeling fades and I am reminded.. It wasn’t real.

I did phone the social worker who handled his adoption a couple months ago.  I asked her for a recent photo, the adoptive parents sent one last year when I asked. I was hopeful they would this go around but I have yet to hear back. Truth be told it makes me angry.. Do they really think it is fair to hide the son I raised for 9 years away from me..  But, then I have to remember that they love him to and maybe they are feeling some of what I feel.. maybe they don’t think it’s fair I take their future with him.

I long for the day I may see him again. I want to be able to tell him my side of things. I want to be able to tell him I have loved him with my entire soul from the moment he arrived in this world. I want to tell him all the funny stories and memories I have of us together. I just want my heart to be whole again. Right now in my life that does not even seem possible. How can I ever end the emptiness inside when so much is missing. My heart is in pieces.. spread across the universe now. Every day I wake up and wonder how I can handle missing my babies again today.

The loss of Amara is a pain of it’s own. Reality no mother should face and it kills me and then in the other hand the sadness that 3 others are out there in this world, walking, talking, laughing, playing, growing and I wont be apart of any of it… I wish it had all gone differently..

Wherever you are my little No-No, you are loved and missed so greatly!

 

I don’t know where or how to even start this. I can’t count the times I have logged in here over the last several months only to stare at the screen and then click on that red X, Back in Feb. I had what this blog is all about “hope”. It seemed like everything was falling into place for once my future seemed full of  light and happiness. I should have known better than to relax into bliss the way I did… just as quick as all seemed right everything went so horribly wrong.. It broke me beyond repair.

On March 2nd much to my surprise I found myself holding a pregnancy test with two pink lines. At first I was hysterical. Mostly worried about how Eric would feel about this, would he run, would it make us closer or make him want nothing to do with me as far as our relationship went. But, as is his style he just told me it would be ok we would make it work and so began what I thought was the start of our family. I was in total bliss. I had the man of my dreams beside me and a baby created from our love growing inside me. I wont lie inside I was worried. After everything with Mary, Noah and Beth I was terrified something would go wrong. I had this little voice in my head that kept whispering “don’t get attached”. I tried my best to ignore it, to tell myself I was just paranoid. Jessie was so excited we were having a baby she couldn’t wait to have a sibling and we even planned for her to be in the room with us when we had her. I spent weeks searching for a doctor who would let me have this child natural, these days if you have had one c-section they want you to have any future babies that way but, I was determined to find someone who would let me go natural after all I had Mary, Noah and Beth that way and had not problems at all. I finally did find one, she said all we had to do was have an extensive ultra-sound to be sure everything was ok with baby and scar tissue etc.

I went in for the ultra-sound the beginning of May. At first everything seemed great. They were able to tell me I was having a little girl.. Amara Rane she was shaking her head and waving, kicking up a fuss at being woken up. I remember Joyce was with me and she said, Ya know she looks like her daddy. Man, watching her I could have sworn all my prayers were being answered all my dreams coming true. To my untrained eye she was perfect… When the ultra sound was over the doctor called me into his office, my heart sank when he said “there’s some concerns… 1 is that one of her legs was shorter than the other, this is usually a sign of bigger issues but was not a major worry. The major worry was that she was missing an artery in her cord. This happens in 1% of pregnancies (Just my luck uh?) This was cause for serious concern, with this it raised her chances of being still born 20%  add to this the fact that all my babies have been premature she had a 100% chance of arriving early. He made a plan to start me on shots that would hopefully stop me from going into labor before 37 weeks. He offered and amnio, to check for any other issues but I refused. He also let me know that some parents choose to terminate. Obviously also not an issue, what ever my little girls troubles I would face them knowing that she was created the way God planned her to be. I was put on strict rest. I wasn’t allowed to do much but go to the bathroom and eat. I hoped that would be enough until I could start the shots…
Skip to June 18th..

I was feeling off that night, not in pain or anything just weak and drained sorta everything physically just felt off ya know? I remember texting Eric and telling him I didn’t feel right but, I had a Dr. appointment the next morning at 9 so I would just wait and see her in the morning, I was thinking at more then that it was probably dehydration or an UTI… Looking back I wish I hadn’t waiting, I wish I had known what was about to happen and how quickly my world was about to be ripped apart and destroyed.

June – 19th, I woke up at 8 or so and I knew right away that I would most likely not be coming home that day, I was feeling light contractions by then. I also knew I had lost my plug.. After that happens it usually means there is no going back. I tried to stay calm, I text Joyce and told her that I would probably be going to the hospital just so she would be on alert. I think I text Eric and told him to, I can’t remember. I just remember being in the car and trying to mentally tell myself it would be ok, to stay calm. I had been through early labor with Beth who also started at 20 weeks but they were able to stop it and hold her in until 35 weeks. I tried to tell myself this would be much the same. Man, I was way off.

When I got there I told the nurse that I thought I had lost my plug and I thought I was contracting, they did a U/A and the doctor told me she was sure it was just an infection but with what I was describing she wanted to check me just to be sure. When she went to check me.. I will never forget the words she said “SHIT! you have to go to the hospital now! you are 4-5 cm and your bag is bulging.” Right then is when I completely broke, every fiber of my being shattered into a billion pieces. I thought we’d just drive over to the hospital but I was wrong there as well. They refused to let me move and phoned 911 instead. So, there I lay on a table with nurses and doctors around me talking and then paramedics showing up, it was all happening around me but mentally I could not process it not then sometimes not now, it feels like a horrible dream I had only I still can’t wake up. They put me in the ambulance, paramedics were asking me questions, hooking up IV’s trying to keep me calm and tell me they were gonna do all they could, I remember Eric asking if he could ride with me, I don’t even think it registered to me then that he was in the front of the ambulance.

When we got to the hospital I can’t tell you everything that happened, or even what as said for the most part. I can tell you her heart rate was 167 strong and loud and she was as usual kicking up a fuss. Somehow this gave me hope. They gave me a shot of  to stop the contractions, the same stuff they used with Beth and for about an hour that worked so it seemed. There were nurses and doctors coming in and out trying to explain things. They had my head reclined in hopes that the water bag would correct itself, in hopes they could do a surclauge (sp?) and close the cervix. They were talking about moving me to another hospital so that if they could hold off delivery for a little bit she would be born in a hospital more prepared to help a baby of such a tiny size. For that hour a million prayers were said in my head, I was pleading to God to save her, not to make me go through this. I know Erics mom and sister showed up but I wont lie I can’t remember much of what was said between us in my head it is just all a blur, surreal.. I know in my head I pictured all the hopes and dreams I’d had in the last 4 months, images of Jess and Eric and I cuddled around this beautiful baby girl so healthy and happy, The look of love in her daddy’s eyes as he held her for the first time. The long nights I had dreamed of sitting up with her as a newborn and bonding with her. I seemed to be trying to will them into reality, trying to make the hell I was living then. Instead the hell only got worse. With in an hour the contractions were coming back, they were going to give me another shot but before they could they had to check my vital signs, part of me wishes they hadn’t done that. That they had just given me the damn shot. My fever had suddenly jumped to 103 my heart rate was in the 170’s if I remember right. With it that high they could not give me another shot, and with the fever they had to take blood. When the blood work came back they told me the worst thing any mother could hear. I had an infection and because of having septic shock with Noah and it nearly killing us both they HAD to treat me. My baby was no longer the main concern or patient. I was… They could not safely give me meds to stop contractions instead they had to give me anti-biotic and soon. They wanted to speed up my labor now, to make it faster they were afraid I had an infection in my uterus and if that was the case it was more dangerous to allow me to stay pregnant, they wanted to deliver her fast.They told me the cruelest words.. Your baby is going to die, there is no way to stop what is happening and she is just to tiny to survive outside the womb. I didn’t want to hear that, I did not want them to treat ME I wanted them to save HER! I They told me I would have to sign a paper allowing them to treat me and not her.. If I didn’t let them treat me I could die to, they could save me and lose her or lose us both.. This was the option I was given. To be honest I wasn’t going to sign that paper. They wanted my permission to let my beautiful girl die.. In my mind, This was me saying I would let them kill her, It still is really, I live with that guilt every single day. It eats away at my heart and soul. I hate myself for it. I honestly hate myself I can’t forgive myself. It was looking into Erics pleading eyes that got me to sign it, the tears in his eyes, the break in his voice as he said “please, or I am going to lose you both” In that moment I couldn’t refuse, how could I do that when I had made him promise to never attempt to leave me again. He wanted me to live so I had to be strong and live for him even if I knew our baby wouldn’t. With that I signed that paper I allowed them to treat me but I refused to allow them to speed up my labor. I would labor naturally as I wanted and she would come when and if it was right for her. They began to treat me, 3 bags of antibiotics and me laying there contracting, knowing with every one she was getting closer and closer. By time Erics mom and sister left Joyce had shown up. Lord, without her there I don’t know what I would have done. Hard as it must have been for her to be reliving that nightmare she didn’t wavier. I can’t tell you all I said or all we talked about, I know I must have asked a million times, why? She didn’t have the answers either she just assured me I was doing the right thing. I know she was there for hours at my side. I will never be able to thank her for that. Hell that and all she has been since. Joyce left about 9:30 and I laid there quietly. Listening to Eric breathe as he rested, he’d been up more than 24 hours and here he was living this hell. I laid there and talked to my baby, cried in anger in sadness in hate, I wont lie I was having war with God, praying to him and hating him at the same time. How could God, the all powerful not hear my pleas and stop this, what had I done to him? Where was he and why wasn’t he helping. Why was he letting my sweet girl die? Why did he give her to me only to take her this way? I laid there not speaking just being, I felt my water break at 11:15. I didn’t say a word, I just laid there. Thinking if I don’t say anything then it didn’t happen if I did tell them it would only take away what precious time I had left with her.

At 11:3o the nurse came in I finally told her my water had broke she checked me and said “it’ll be about 30 minutes”.. I tried to ignore that.. The contractions grew stronger with each one that passed, Eric held my hand, I had told myself I would not push, I would refuse, she would have to do this on her own if she was coming, or my body do the work itself. It felt like pushing was only me helping her to die. I know that may not make sense to some but it’s how it felt, I did not want to be a part of this. I wanted it to stop! I wanted to wake up…

12:13am – I remember saying one thing. “Jesus” it was not because of pain, it was a final plea.. Out beautiful Amara arrived. Her daddy was the first to see her. He told me later that he looked down at the right time because her little hand was opening and closing like she was waving at him… I heard them say. “Barbara, she is still moving, You need to know that. We are gonna give her to Daddy right now and work on you then we will give her to you.” Eric took her right away. With the blanket under her I couldn’t see her at all, he walked over to the chair I don’t think he took his eyes off her. The look of love in his eyes for her stays with me, the look of amazement and adoration… I cherish that moment I watched him with her. He then gave her to me.. put my thumb under her tiny hand and watched in amazement as those tiny fingers open and closed around my thumb three times, I watched as she gasped several times before she just quit… suddenly she was totally still, at rest and at peace. She was stunning to me, perfect in every way just tiny. She was 10 ounces.. She was an angel…

.. I had hoped to write what the last 4 months since have been like, I don’t think I can. After that last part and watching it replay in my mind… I just can’t 😥

I can’t do this, I have come here so many time to write in nearly 4 months and I never get pass the top of the page, tonight I scroll far enough to see the count down, 22 days.. in 22 days I am suppose to bring a beautiful healthy happy baby girl into this world. Instead, I will just die more on that day. I will never bring my daughter home. OUR daughter home, at least not healthy and not happy, instead her ashes sit on my dressers in a silver container, cold and lifeless.. and all I had was a few minutes of her warmth and 5 hours of holding her cold lifeless body.  A beautiful dream turn nightmare.

Such an interesting state to be in lately. A calm state, a state of total peace with all I am and all the world around me. No urge or need to hear chatter and chaos, not need to end the silence or stillness. In fact I am .. at one with it. I AM still and silent. No need to text no need to post anywhere no need to even open my mouth. I have been in this state for a few days now. As if some shield has been put around me. It’s not a depressed stillness or listlessness as I usually feel no.. this, this is… Happy?

2012 – What a year you have been already..

Needless to say as always things are always changing and fast in my life. You think I’d be use to that shit huh? Not really.

Jess living here as been such a beautiful gift to me. I know it wasn’t easy for her to leave everything behind the way she did but, I knew in my heart it is what I had to. For her to help and try and get her on the right path and out of the dark road she was headed down. I can’t really say things have gotten better with her and her dad. Though I can say I have tried. Sometimes it’s like he resents me because I tell him the truth about how she feels and what she tells me she feels. Funny, I bet he would shit if I told him more then what he already knows. I am not sure how it will go with them. I am trying to step out of it as best I can and leave it between them. I admit though when my baby is hurt my temper gets the best of me. I wont stop that she is my daughter a part of me, upset her and there will be hell to pay. I frankly don’t care who you are or who you know.

I am sure she is still adjusting to life here with me. I am sure it is a much different world then what she is use to and God know I know she misses her old life. The way things were before life got turned upside down by everyone but her. I know what it is like to struggle when your life seems so out of control. In the end I think she is doing better and getting to where she needs to be. I am not the perfect mother, I will never claim to be my only thing I can do is pray and to hope that as she grows I can teach her. I can lead her down a path to success. Most of all I just want to teach her about love, about forgiveness and about self acceptance and self respect. Love because in my eyes that is the ultimate goal for everyone in life, to find love and to know without a single doubt that you are loved by someone and that you are someone worthy of love. I never want my little girl to feel unloved it is truly the most painful thing to feel in life. Forgiveness because it is an important element of our lives, it seems everyday we have to find it in us to forgive someone in this world and in our lives. I hope that she learns that it is never important to forgive for the other person but for ourselves so that we are able to live a life without so much anger and pain destroying us. I hope she understands that forgiveness is easy to find if you simply sit down and realize we have no control over another persons actions or thoughts or even their words to us. That is just simply how THEY feel about us, a mere one person in the 7 billion in this world. We can waste energy and happiness being angry and trying to change the way they think or we can simply choose to smile and nod and allow them to feel what they need to feel. No harm in that, is there? How much easier would life and the world be if we simply shut the fuck up and stop judging and fussing to see things our way. Just stop and accept it’s ok.. What a person says or thinks of you is NOTHING to you. It is what you see and feel of yourself. I know one thing my daughter is BEAUTIFUL, she is Compassionate and she see’s more then what the average person see’s. She see’s possibility in the world. When she chooses to. Self acceptance and respect to get her through all these hard trying teenage years. I hope that she holds her head high and knows that no matter what she choose to do with life. I will always be there. No matter who she chooses to love, it will not change my love for her. Self respect for the little jerks who are going to seek to destroy her heart to know that she is better then that and that she deserves more. She deserves the world!

As for my other babies. O, how I miss them dearly. Still not a day goes by that I do not wake and think of them that I don’t miss their voices and their hugs. That will never go away every day and ever second I carry them in my heart. I haven’t been contacting the Social worker about them lately. Though, I’d be lying if I said the thought didn’t cross my mind every day. I guess I just am doing my very best to leave them be and to let them enjoy the goodness in life, the happiness of life that they so deserve. I also needed to try and focus on my girl who is here with me and who needs my love just as much as they did. I needed to refocus and that meant finding away to try and stop living in the pain of such traumatic events and such pain and start living in the here and now before it was to late.  I did have a rough couple of weeks recently, dreaming of them. So real it was like I was there. I guess I am always going to dream, Why wouldn’t I they are part of me as well and until I can see them again then I am left with only what they mind has stored and what they mind creates.. I am ok with that, as terrified as I have been of losing everything I have come to learn it is all within me, in my mind and in my heart. Engrained into my very soul. You can’t take that way no matter what you do to me.

So, that brings us to the love life huh?

I could tell you the Evil Angel and I are back together living our happy ending in nothing but bliss… but HA! I’d be lying sorta…

About 3 – 4 months ago I did start seeing others and dating, I forced myself. I told myself he was never coming back and everything he told me and said only confirmed that inside my mind. I mean really what else was I to think with so much.. “We can’t be together” “don’t get the wrong idea” blah blah fucking blah I don’t even want to think about it all. I started seeing someone we shall call him “Wild One” yeah that will work. First why does he get an alias, cause I damn well said so, that’s why. Interesting man that one. His lifestyle is totally different then the world I know. It’s full of excitement and insanity! But fun an adrenalin rush perhaps? There is a side to him that is far different then that chaos though, A gentleness, softness and a compassion you don’t find in very many, there is also passion, not the perverted sort you weirdo’s! But, a passion for life, for learning, for giving and for loving. I don’t know if everyone else around him see’s what I see or maybe I am making something out of nothing? I don’t know. ..

A little before Christmas I told the Evil one about the Wild One, I told him most of the story right off because he deserved to know that and I really did not even imagine it would hurt him, or cause him pain and upset. Here I had been fighting for him for so long almost 2 years and it got me no where. He didn’t even say he loved me any more. It was just a day before that he had told me he didn’t even know if he believed there was “The one” for him.. Those words are ones that cut like a knife to me. I mean I thought I was “The one” or at least that is what he use to tell me. “Your not perfect, no one is but your perfect for me”. At first when I told him it seemed as if it was no big deal, I think that probably hurt me even more.. It was true he didn’t give a damn. Then a day later other things came out, and suddenly it was a big deal. Suddenly he was pouring out every word I had longed to hear from him for so long, He loved me, he only wanted me and he never wanted me to be with someone else. Told me how he wouldn’t have been hurt if it was someone I could see spending my life with or someone I was in love with someone then there would be nothing he could do “It would have been my loss” . My brain felt like it was in some movie being played in fast forward or super speed. It left me confused and afraid, Afraid I would lose him as a friend, as my love as my everything. I wasn’t prepared. It also left me angry! very angry. The “How DARE you” kind of angry. How could you wait all this time and not speak up. All the times I asked all the times I cried and pleaded looking for the slightest bit of hope and all I ever got was disappointment and confusion. So there I was, left with.. The Evil one and our history and yes our love because I can’t lie I love him, doesn’t matter how much I disconnect from that, it’s always there under the surface. And left with the Wild one.. So where am I now! Not much further other then knowing the Evil one is trying to prove he loves me.. and god know I am falling all over again but with Caution.. and with fear, interresting word to use in relation to him “Fear”.. not of him but of losing him all over again… I hate to say that to say that I love a man so dearly so truly and yet there is now this wall there that keeps even him at a safe distance. When he is around I want to tear it down brick by brick again but I can and I wont because I still don’t have the one thing I need from him.. That one major thing. Commitment, for him to be mine again fully and with no limits, rules and shadows. I can’t live in shadow any more. To be honest why would we need to be in any shadow or be any secret? Not like the whole fucking world doesn’t see it. Doesn’t still think of me that way, or him that way about me. Our history joins us forever.. friends or lovers we are tied.. As far as what we become now, that ball is in his court all I could do was tell him what I want and need and let him make the call.

I still talk to the Wild one, Evil Angel did ask me to delete and remove him from everything. The part of me that loves that man, wanted to for a second, but the part of me that well doesn’t fully trust him. Refused. Why should I? The fact remains the same.. There is the unspoken devotion but with the lack of commitment, so that still leaves me, single. right? And Wild one is my friend now, he has done nothing wrong, I have done nothing wrong. So why should I cut anyone out of my life like that. That would make me a cold hearted bitch I think.. Even as a friend we have a lot in common, music, art, we are just deep thinking people. So he will stay in my life. I am not going to turn and walk away. And he knows all about Evil Angel as well. He get’s it he knows I have a love for him and he doesn’t try to stop it or anything. He is just fine letting me figure this out on my own and to just be there an listen to me vent and complain and fuss about it all when I am frustrated.

Other then that life is life. I am still alive. Still going and haven’t laid down and died yet. I am ready to see what this years journey brings me…

Ahh yes that sudden urge to get a drunk as humanly possible and as fast as possible just to out run the inevitable pain that you know is coming.. to do things so that you can numb it all and try your best to fake your way through it pretending to be as normal as possible.. yes I am there.. but I am stronger now and will fight the urges deal with the pain and come out a little better… I hope… =S

It’s unexplainable how the smallest of things make me want to drop to my knees in tears.. walking through wal-mart I seen so many things that I knew would be perfect for you guys, clothes shirts little toys.. my heart aches because even if I bought them I can’t give them to you. Just like you can’t see these words, you can’t hear all things I want to say.. How much I want to say I love you.. I love you, and a mothers love for her children should never hurt like this. I want to hug you I pray every day that some day I will do just that again, hug you though I am afraid that when that day comes I may never let go.

Every day I am reminded of the tiny things I am missing, the tiny events that take place and becomes the stories of your lives. I long to be a part of that. I wish things had been different that I had never had to make the decision that I made. Noah, how I miss the sparkle in your eye when you laugh.. those blue eyes and that smile could melt the heart of anyone, Mary I miss how even at 8-9yrs old you weren’t ashamed to climb in mommy’s lap and fall asleep on my shoulder.. Bethany I miss feeling you curled up in my back every night knees and all but, you just wouldn’t sleep unless with mommy..

I wish you knew..

Love Mommy

When it comes to my life sometimes a day that seems completely “normal” can flip without warning.  One minute I am in an everyday conversation and then the smallest of things happens and in that instant my heart is ripped into, unsure weather or not I am suppose to smile or completely break inside. Sometimes I have no choice but to do both.

A friend of mine was talking to me on yahoo and send one of the audible things .. I have had them disabled for so long that it took me by surprise. In mind I was thrown back to a time when it seemed that every morning I woke up to those things because that is how Noah talked to people. A couple of my friends, I remember how often I use to apologize to them for it. Trying to explain but rarely did anyone complain they all adored him. Looking back now if I had one more morning of waking up to that. I wouldn’t apologize, I would probably join him and giggle and laugh.

It seem to happen all the time, some of the simplest things send memories racing through my mind. It isn’t as if I don’t wake up every morning remembering and every night fall asleep remembering. It’s just different when very vivid memories are forced into my head. Over the last 2 and half years I have built a filter of sorts.. remembering them but not specific things. Like Mary and how much of an Artist she was. Drawing pictures every day or painting pictures with me. Always so creative and always so eager to share. I guess it’s fair to say the Artist side of her came from me.  Like me from day one she seen the world differently the entire world to her was a masterpiece a piece of paper and a crayon was her playground.

Memories of Noah sitting in a fish tank.. explaining to me why fish needed to be petted to, or trying to make me understand why we needed to stop and take the time to save a bee stuck in a spider web. Bugs were is favorite he could sit for hours playing with bugs and moving them around. He loved music and singing and dancing, you could see it in his eyes the way they would light up and sparkle when his favorite song came on. He was a flirt always batting his eyes at all the pretty girls, Even planning a date for his first girlfriend, who also happened to be his therapy tech, even as young as he was he planned o so carefully for Ginga.

Bethany was the baby, content to just cuddle or lay on my shoulder for hours and watching the world with curiosity but not afraid to tell her brothers and sister to behave she may have been the youngest but she had a little mommy attitude in her. She loved to learn though she was ready to absorb everything.. playing with her states puzzle was a favorite for a long time. she was determined to learn them all. She was the kind that you just knew was going to be a gentle soul in this world.

Or Noah and how he loved cars, always telling me he was going to drive the red car (Dale Earnhardt Jr.s car) when he grew up and no matter where we went he always had one of his matchbox cars in hand.

Mary wanted to be a cowgirl.. like mommy. She was gonna be a rodeo queen!

So many details.. I cling to them even through the tears, It’s a slow process and sometimes I think I am never going to heal, The pain is often unbearable forcing me to turn off all thought, all emotion. Some days I allow myself to face it I spend hours crying wishing I could tell them so much wishing they could hear me say one more time that I love them I love them so much that I think of them and miss them so very much I would give anything to hug them one more time.